Reading Leadership Books

I am reading books about people who have long since passed. Real men, leaders, people who really made changes in the world. The good, the bad and the ugly ones. In school I just sort of brushed off these men as being unimportant, or forgettable, men who had died long ago whos memories were not important, but not as a grown man.

Now I look at them with the realization that they were necessary, valuable and had really tough lessons to learn as they went through life just as I am with both theory development and my relationships with my loved ones. I am looking to the past now to provide guidance. I no longer look at them as fictional beings, but real ones, who overcame and sometimes failed miserably.

I am taking it all into consideration now if I am to be a leader. If I am to be a leader, I need to learn a lot more than I know now. It will be difficult, but I think it is a challenge I am willing to accept.

Emotionally Exhausted from Theory Development

I am totally emotionally exhausted from working on Stellar Metamorphosis and trying to get the word out. I feel drained, completely. Like, rock bottom drained. The fuel tank is empty now. I need to recharge or something. This feeling is warm, but definitely I can sense it needed to happen. I needed to feel like this so that I can take the next step in life. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Attacking Self-Identity and the Identity of Others

A major part of astronomers and astrophysicists identity is their beliefs. So when I point out that stellar evolution is planet formation, I attack their identity. This just isn't about simple information that can be corrected easily, like, oh I measured this cut out piece of plywood wrong, time to re-measure and make sure it will fit... No, no, no, no, no. This is MUCH MUCH BIGGER.

This is much, much deeper than I thought it was, as my innocence at assuming ideas can change is coming in layers, there is yet another layer of understanding human psyche that I have reached that is far beyond what I could have ever been taught in school. I am attacking the very identity of an astronomer by sharing the discovery that planets are actually ancient stars. I am attacking not just everything they know, but who they are as PEOPLE. I am saying that their entire existence is a giant, fat lie.

Star https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star
Planet https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planet

Stellar evolution https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stellar_evolution
Planet formation https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nebular_hypothesis#Formation_of_planets

This is by far the most incredible understanding I could have ever hoped for. But, it is also by far the most totally frustrating thing as well. I'm slowly coming to terms (its been over 8 years now) how pervasive the issue is. When it comes to major discoveries, you are attacking the very identity of people who hold contradictory beliefs.

It is not as simple as, oh we made a simple mistake. Oh no no no. It is attacking the very essence of what it means to be an astronomer. When you have adopted a belief since you were a child and you kept it as a part of your being for your whole life, and everybody reinforces the belief, you will not change it. Your identity is permanently set, forever until the day you die.  It is almost impossible to change a person's beliefs.

Astronomers who are alive today will never understand this discovery. Ever. They are too far conditioned into a major lie, a lie so big that only a handful of people on the planet have voiced their opinion on how wrong it is.

When your identity as a person is based on a deception, it is Earth shattering to have that deception removed. It can possibly make people succumb to serious life altering changes that can negatively impact their well-being. I have to now consider this as very important as I grow with this understanding. I just can't share it with everybody, they have to figure it out themselves. They have to find it in themselves, naturally and slowly. 

In other words, explaining it well and laying out the argument is just surface level stuff. This discovery alters the very fundamental notions of a person's self-identity.

I have noticed this in my own life. Literally everything I see now is viewed in a completely different light, from the soil and dirt on the ground, to what life really is, to what the Moon is and its rich past, to what rocks really are, to what civilization itself is, to why there is water falling from the sky, and why the Earth has days and spins at a specific rate. It has all been flipped inside out and upside down due to the discovery that stellar evolution is planet formation.

Nothing is the same. It is like I am seeing the world with the eyes of a completely new person, even though I am the same person. It is unreal, and ongoing, and has been like this for 8+ years.

Plate Tectonics is Pseudoscience

It has to be said. No such thing as moving plates. Mountains are built internally to stars as they evolve greatly.

Ridicule Changes People

So this is probably going to be word diarrhea, but I need to get it out.

Being called a pseudoscientist, crank, crackpot, idiot, etc. repeatedly over many years has taken its toll on my mental well-being. I am completely shattered inside emotionally, and do not know if I will be able to pull out of this. It is a permanent funk. It feels as if I am wading in a giant pit of mud and I can barely walk forward. I am in a swamp, not alone, because I know there are people who support me, but definitely on a intelligence gathering mission that requires that at least one person lead the charge, or at least make some sort of path to confirm there is in fact, something on the other side of the vast swamp that is worthy of visiting. I am reaching into places of the human psyche and of understanding nature that have never been reached before. Wading through lands nobody has dared to travel through. A first time explorer. Sure, not in a physical sense, but in a mental/emotional sense.

I acknowledge the reality that both we are not alone as a species, and that the process that creates life in the universe is ubiquitous, as it is star evolution itself. This means that besides all the ridicule on the severely emotionally damaged side of me, the rational portion can see clearly what we are, and where we are going as a species. What also happens sometimes is that the pain of ridicule and frustration in getting the theory out totally overwhelm my rational side, and it all slips together into a deep pit.

What has really changed in my personality is the fact that I have fought off thousands of narcissists, bitter and hateful narcissists from all over the world (online). Constantly defending myself against narcissists who gas light, lie and call me names online has been quite difficult. In fact, it has totally changed my outlook on life. I do not have any hope left that scientists will change their views. I am totally giving up on them. In fact, I think that is the best option, as the conditioning they have been though to believe two major lies, that we are alone in the galaxy and the Earth is just a plain giant rock, is impenetrable.

Now, the rational part of my brain, in the thoughts that make sense and can explain this stuff are totally in agreement that my brain has to work though it. No amount of rationalization is going to make me feel better from the painful ridicule I have received over the years, coupled with the intense frustration and anger. What I have to do now in my time off is to let the emotions that are negative course though my veins, and let the poison dissipate. I have to temporarily go to the dark side while healing from the ridicule.

I had originally thought a good analogy for dealing with the narcissists is like letting poisonous snakes bite, eventually you can develop a immune response that can make the snake bites less effective. It is also true with some people who experience an attempted murder through poisoning. There was one murder show I watched were the woman was murdered by arsenic, and her friend built up a tolerance for it so strong, that regular high doses that could kill a person did not affect her.

I used to look at dealing with the narcissists like that. It is very painful to try and build up an emotional tolerance, because it is something that is counter to regular life. As it turns out though, you can't build up an emotional tolerance, it hurts just the same every time. A person is not designed to deal with excessive emotional turmoil and pain, this is why some people break and commit suicide. It is best to deal with ridicule in small doses and recover, but there is no tolerance building, of course you'll notice I didn't say avoid ridicule all together, because it will always be there, even if you try to avoid it.

All in all I have changed dramatically in my outlook. I realize that I needed to do a great amount of healing from the ridicule, and I have a very large back log of nasty ideas that need to be processed. This being said, I no longer view ridicule as being something I could develop a tolerance for, I now look at it like getting genuinely hurt, and I should always give myself time to heal and not ignore the emotional pain it causes.

Some Parallels on Getting out of the Marines and Looking at the Stars differently

History does repeat itself. We can notice patterns of behavior and events that seem very similar. It just occurred to me that designing a new theory of star evolution (it is planet formation) is very much like when I got out of the service.

In the Marines, you have very strict standards of uniform, grooming, sayings, customs and courtesies (sp?), and the like. There are things you do that a Marine does, and even Army/Navy/Air Force or Coast Guard doesn't do, right down to the snappyness of the salute when an enlisted Marine walks past an Officer of any branch.

So when you get out of the Marines, and go watch movies with "Marines" in them, you can't help but to notice the differences. They stick out like crazy. The ribbons being off-center of the uniforms, the ties not being pulled tight on dress uniforms, the sleeves on the camo utilities being too sloppy for the rank (Gunny roles vs. Lance Corporal sleeves). You notice all these things. They stick out. It is okay to watch movies with some mistakes of uniform in them, or ways that Marines interact (esp. in my case the enlisted guys). I remember one movie the Marines were playing some tag football with gas masks and MOPP gear on in Iraq. I'm pretty sure that was NOT A FUN EXPERIENCE that the movie made it out to be. I remember doing some gas mask and MOPP gear drills in Okinawa at the base of Mt. Fuji on a nice steamy summer day, and holy shit. NEVER AGAIN. You feel as if all the water is coming out of your body at once from all pours, and breathing is quite labored. We even had a guy fall out and need to get the silver bullet, twice. They don't show that shit in the movies, when Marines fall out. Its embarrassing I guess, but its true. Heat can kill Marines, you gotta drink that water man! So important!

But anyways, I see all the differences between Marines in the movies and what I experienced. It is different, but to an untrained eye, or someone who is not a stickler for details, the differences just fly right over their head. It stinks now though. I can't watch movies with Marines in them for the most part, unless it just has them going back to civilian life and they are transitioning back in their minds back to normal life. That shit is hard. Lots of culture shock. I just notice too many differences and it is hard to accept what the actor is doing and saying, vs. what I went through. I can't get absorbed in it. Like grenades going off in a fireball. Ugh. LOL They don't make fireballs, they are just puffs of smoke and dust. The thing you REALLY notice is that it is deafeningly loud if you're close enough. If a grenade goes off within 100 yards of you, you'll know it even if you are in a building.

The same goes with stellar evolution (planet formation). Now that I understand how stars evolve (they cool, collapse and lose mass becoming planets), I can't watch popular TV programming, or science channel stuff that talks about it. It stinks. I know what actually happens to the stars, I know why Jupiter and Saturn, Neptune and Uranus are so different. I know why Mercury's core is so large relative to its mantle, I know what stars create as they evolve over billions of years (its life itself if it evolves slow enough). These questions are already answered in a much more satisfactorily manner with this theory. I also can't listen to pod casts where they have some planet/star expert discuss recent developments, without groaning half the time. I can't read National Geographic magazines that discuss the supposed "black holes" that are claimed to formed after a star collapses (they don't form black holes when they collapse, they form giant rocks called "planets", because the energy is radiated away and the mass evaporates back into interstellar space.)

I just watched the 2014 Stephen Hawking movie about how Mr. Hawking did his work, his life with his wife and children with the debilitating and horrible disease. I watched it, and I liked it. I also noticed that there were patterns of cult of personality that took hold in larger groups. Ideas were shared and accepted and pushed into the public by sheer ego, not scientific validity. It just stinks. I see it all for what it is now, now that I understand what the stars actually become.

Repositioning Saturn on the Wolynski Taylor Diagram, Stellar Metamorphosis

Just click on the image to make it bigger. I have Saturn as being both younger and less massive. This is a good estimate of where it is.