So this is probably going to be word diarrhea, but I need to get it out.
Being called a pseudoscientist, crank, crackpot, idiot, etc. repeatedly over many years has taken its toll on my mental well-being. I am completely shattered inside emotionally, and do not know if I will be able to pull out of this. It is a permanent funk. It feels as if I am wading in a giant pit of mud and I can barely walk forward. I am in a swamp, not alone, because I know there are people who support me, but definitely on a intelligence gathering mission that requires that at least one person lead the charge, or at least make some sort of path to confirm there is in fact, something on the other side of the vast swamp that is worthy of visiting. I am reaching into places of the human psyche and of understanding nature that have never been reached before. Wading through lands nobody has dared to travel through. A first time explorer. Sure, not in a physical sense, but in a mental/emotional sense.
I acknowledge the reality that both we are not alone as a species, and that the process that creates life in the universe is ubiquitous, as it is star evolution itself. This means that besides all the ridicule on the severely emotionally damaged side of me, the rational portion can see clearly what we are, and where we are going as a species. What also happens sometimes is that the pain of ridicule and frustration in getting the theory out totally overwhelm my rational side, and it all slips together into a deep pit.
What has really changed in my personality is the fact that I have fought off thousands of narcissists, bitter and hateful narcissists from all over the world (online). Constantly defending myself against narcissists who gas light, lie and call me names online has been quite difficult. In fact, it has totally changed my outlook on life. I do not have any hope left that scientists will change their views. I am totally giving up on them. In fact, I think that is the best option, as the conditioning they have been though to believe two major lies, that we are alone in the galaxy and the Earth is just a plain giant rock, is impenetrable.
Now, the rational part of my brain, in the thoughts that make sense and can explain this stuff are totally in agreement that my brain has to work though it. No amount of rationalization is going to make me feel better from the painful ridicule I have received over the years, coupled with the intense frustration and anger. What I have to do now in my time off is to let the emotions that are negative course though my veins, and let the poison dissipate. I have to temporarily go to the dark side while healing from the ridicule.
I had originally thought a good analogy for dealing with the narcissists is like letting poisonous snakes bite, eventually you can develop a immune response that can make the snake bites less effective. It is also true with some people who experience an attempted murder through poisoning. There was one murder show I watched were the woman was murdered by arsenic, and her friend built up a tolerance for it so strong, that regular high doses that could kill a person did not affect her.
I used to look at dealing with the narcissists like that. It is very painful to try and build up an emotional tolerance, because it is something that is counter to regular life. As it turns out though, you can't build up an emotional tolerance, it hurts just the same every time. A person is not designed to deal with excessive emotional turmoil and pain, this is why some people break and commit suicide. It is best to deal with ridicule in small doses and recover, but there is no tolerance building, of course you'll notice I didn't say avoid ridicule all together, because it will always be there, even if you try to avoid it.
All in all I have changed dramatically in my outlook. I realize that I needed to do a great amount of healing from the ridicule, and I have a very large back log of nasty ideas that need to be processed. This being said, I no longer view ridicule as being something I could develop a tolerance for, I now look at it like getting genuinely hurt, and I should always give myself time to heal and not ignore the emotional pain it causes.