Friday, July 13, 2018

Some thoughts on disappointment and anger during theory development

Do not let the discovery make you bitter and angry all the time. Being hateful and angry just ends up poisoning you. One of the most valuable things I've learned from the journey of discovering what the stars are, is that we cannot be too careful with how we handle our emotions and well begin. All the hate that comes with a new discovery. Man, there's a lot of it. There is so much hate and disgust in the world. It can make you contemplate suicide or even carry it out. Now, why would anybody on the planet subject themselves to so much hate and ridicule?

Even if you are on the right track and are doing the right thing in terms of giving humanity something very valuable, it does not mean you won't get put down for it. Being righteous does give you hate immunity. Hate infects even the most righteous of individuals. It is insidious. It spreads. Just lying in bed at night wondering if I'm doing the right thing is not enough. You have to allow the full force of extreme disappointment in. You have to let sadness in. Being in denial about the deepest of human emotions doesn't protect you. It just makes it so much worse. What is the most surprising to me is that if you properly use sadness and disappointment, the hate and anger dissipate considerably. Placing emotions as all negative or all positive is a child's view. Allowing yourself to be completely feel disappointment is the most powerful antidote to overwhelming anger. It makes sense too if you realize where anger comes from, which is unrealized expectations. Disappointment is how you come full circle and apply the medicine where it hurts the most. Strange right? How could two negatives cancel each other out? Well, to get that calm delight, a peace in your mind, you have to feel strong, deep disappointment and stop forcing yourself to lofty ideals that are detached from a well-rounded human experience. It just stinks, as we live in a disappointment avoident culture to boot, we're not allowed to be disappointed with each other or ourselves, its taboo! So really, let's be more realistic.

The last stage of discovery is a great tragedy, it is the polar opposite of the quick and light glee that comes with making an incredible insight. It is the deep realization that no matter what you do, no matter how important, no matter how incredible the insight, you will be overwhelmed with disappointment. It is a giant, long term storm that just won't go away, and for all the damage it causes, you can't repair it for fear of your own safety. Forcing the illusion of success makes for a completely miserable experience. The last discovery stage involves the acceptance of failure, and letting the disappointment flow into your heart, to completely extinguish the fire of hate and anger that fueled you for so many years.
You didn't try hard enough you'll tell yourself. If there were only big money interests that could help you out. What ifs will dominate your mind, and anxiety pangs will crush your thoughts even when you are supposed to be paying attention to the road as you drive. Coming back into some past being, of who you used to be is now impossible. You have changed completely, more so than your time in the Marines. The issues of mental health and well-being were just exacerbated, while in the service, and it took actual individual courage to make a difference in your own life, not joining some large group of men that were provided direction in life by large government interests. Risking your balls getting blown off for some rich, greedy government officials and big whigs wants and desires? No. That isn't where you can address your mental health and well-being, to gain real purpose and direction.  

To gain real purpose in life, is to feel all the deep, painful complex emotions that you were told as a child to ignore. Angry? You have nothing to complain about! Sad? Lift your head up there's people worse off than you. Disappointed? Well, you have to try better next time! These are quite unhealthy responses to emotions that need to be expressed, or else they will lead the person to suicide or a type of neurosis that lingers for decades. Angry? Feel that anger. Feel the hate, but don't act on it completely, sublimate. Sad? Look at the ground when you walk. Slump your shoulders forward. Let your gut stick out. Your eyes, are they drooping? Good. Sadness is you processing deep thoughts that happiness and the ignorance that comes with it can't touch. Sadness might be negative, just as negative as Lysol to germs on a kitchen counter. It’s a house cleaning emotion that tidies up, cleans and scrubs the house, the garden, your mind, heart and soul. Disappointed? I already went over that. You need it to compliment the anger, so that it doesn't get out of control as you drive or do something else potentially catastrophic (as an individual who has flipped his own car out of anger). All I ask is that you feel the bad. Let it in. Feel the power of the dark side, don't avoid it, but also don't let it take over.

Major scientific discoveries are not all kittens and rainbows and big money prizes. They are painful, emotionally turbulent and sad, sad events, that have little glimmers of light that pass by every now and then. The naivity is gone. Real discovery is like opening the Gates of Hell.

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